You need an exorcist, mate.

I’m feeling a bit retro this evening, so I decided to tuck into a tin of mushy peas and a couple of Findus Cripsy Pancakes. Total 90s vibe.
In between crunching the processed savoury goodness and scalding the roof of my mouth with the rather dubious matter inside, I suddenly remembered a time quite a way back when I was working on a campaign with my mate Will.
We were on an inbound customer care campaign for electrical goods and other delights. Anyway, it was nearing the end of a long day and my esteemed colleague Will may have partaken of a few hits on a “jazz-cigarette”.
He was at the stage of the telephone call where his verbal replies to the protagonist at the end of the telephone line were preceeded with him screwing up his face as if he was about to perform extraordinarily hard calculus… The customer was complaining that the cd in his portable boom-box was spinning in reverse. Over the hustle and bustle of the busy call centre I did not hear Will’s answer to the customer’s problem but shortly afterwards he gleefully informed me (I was supposed to be a manager on said team at that point in time) that his advice was for the customer to contact an exorcist, as it was most likely that the cd player was possessed.
Luckily this was in the days before call recording was mandatory in this sort of operation. So, in my most managerial manner possible I gave him the wink and suggested that we have a staff meeting. Staff meetings were often fun, and one day I will tell you about them…*

*HINT: A pub is involved.

That’s not when your bloody shift ends.

So, the new boy on the team is already winding me up, not least because I’m old enough to be his Dad.
Still, his acne is clearing up nicely and with a bit of cultivation the caterpillar on his top lip he could pass as a very young Midge Ure.
Why is he winding you up? Well, I WILL TELL YOU. He logs out of his phone precisely ONE MINUTE before his shift ends, just so that he doesn’t have to risk getting a telephone call in the last minute of his shift. What a selfish twat he is! I may have to form a battle plan, it’s been a while.

Thank you for calling, how may I help you..?

My name is Jones. I work in a call centre. I’ve worked in a few call centres, some of them pretending they weren’t. They were.
I’m here to tell you about my time in them, both past and present. You have been warned.